Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
