just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
