Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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