Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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