Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
