You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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