My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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