I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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