im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
