My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
