I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
