When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
