If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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