he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
