Jerry, you need to find god
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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