I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
