Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
