Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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