woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
someone owes me an orgasm
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
