3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
