he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
