I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
