your room smells of hookers.
And success
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
