Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
