"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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