Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
