I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
