This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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