I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
