I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
