I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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