i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
