And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
