My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
