Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
