i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
