Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
