i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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