Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
