yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I touched a dick in church today
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
