I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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