Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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