i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.