I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
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I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.