I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
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she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
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New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?