Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
