Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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