Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
