i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
