If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
