Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
