pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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