I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think people are normalizing furries
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
