I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
