Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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