chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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