My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
