I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
did i just pee glitter
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
